Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo

Boycotted as of July 12, 2006: Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo




http://msnbc.msn.com/id/13822662/?GT1=8307

(snip)

A Homeland Security database of national monuments, chemical plants and other structures vulnerable to terror attacks is too faulty to accurately help divide federal funds to states and cities, according to the department’s internal watchdog.

(snip)

the department’s database of vulnerable critical infrastructure and key resources included the Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo near Huntsville, Ala., a bourbon festival, a bean festival and the Kangaroo Conservation Center in Dawsonville, Ga.

(snip)

The report noted that Indiana has 8,591 assets listed in the database — more than any other state and 50 percent more than New York. New York had 5,687 listed.

(/snip)

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Well, if Homeland Security says it be so, it be so. You don't usually think of a children's petting zoo as a prime terrorist target, but those terrorists are awfully damn sneaky these days. Apparently even the animals are scared and climbing up on top of each other to keep lookout (see photo above). I'm sure your animals are very cute and very pettable, Mr. MacDonald, but I'm sorry ... I just can't take the chance that I'm going to be blown up in a terrorist attack at a petting zoo in rural Alabama. Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo -- you are therefore boycotted.

(thanks to fancy TCF for the link to the article)

Cabot Microelectronics Corporation

Boycotted as of July 11, 2006: Cabot Microelectronics Corporation



http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/060707/480/6901384964354a418fa2a65f8bef8aba

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/060707/480/dd5b71e0db6d477c8ac986469a989adf

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If these people work there, I'd resort to counting on my toes and learning how to use an abacus before I'd buy even a $7 calculator that these clowns have anything to do with. Thank you very much and have a nice day.

Whatever Allen Heckard is Smoking

Boycotted as of July 10, 2006: Whatever Allen Heckard is Smoking




http://www.kgw.com/news-local/stories/kgw_070606_news_jordan_lookalike.314c6e50.html

(snip)

A Northeast Portland man is suing basketball superstar Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for a combined $832 million. Allen Heckard filed the suit himself, June 29th in Washington County Court. Heckard says he’s been mistaken as Michael Jordan nearly every day over the past 15 years and he’s tired of it.

(snip)

Heckard stands just over six feet tall. He is not six foot six like the real Michael Jordan. But Heckard says many people seem to miss that. He does share a bit of resemblance to the real Michael Jordan. Heckard has a shaved head, an earring in his left ear, and is in good shape from working out, and yes, playing basketball.

“Even when I go to the gym I'm being accused of playing ball like him"

(snip)

Some might wonder how he decided to sue Knight and Jordan for $416-million each. "Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and ah, then I turn around and ah I figure that's what it all boils down to."

(/snip)

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I've typed about 11 different sentences here, but I give up ... I can't top this guy for funny ... best. lawsuit. ever! ... but really, if anyone is going to sue Michael Jordan for identity confusion it should be this guy -- I mean he actually has the same name and he's even a professional basketball player (sort of) ... so this whole thing has me thinking (I know, that's always trouble waiting to happen) ... who can I sue for "defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering" (that's actually what this Heckard jokester is suing Jordan for)? ... I can't say that I regularly get mistaken for any celebrities, but I have a hard time believing anyone confuses this guy for Michael Jordan either ... especially playing pick-up games in Portland, Oregon ...or maybe people in Portland, Oregon are really stupid ... or maybe this guy just got hold of some reaaaaaalllly good ... wait, I think I'll stop before I say anything else ... he may find this and sue me for $832 million next (or whatever his math adds up to after he performs random mathematical functions using his age and whatever else tickles his fancy)

Third Place

Boycotted as of July 8, 2006: Third Place



http://soccernet.espn.go.com/preview?id=191980&cc=5901

(snip)

Portugal coach Luiz Felipe Scolari has tried to rally his troops for their World Cup third-place play-off with Germany in Stuttgart.

The Portuguese were beaten 1-0 by France in Wednesday's semi-final in Munich and thus failed to reach their first World Cup final.

Instead they must travel to Stuttgart in an attempt to try to equal the achievements of the 1966 team which, inspired by tournament top-scorer Eusebio, won the third-place play-off by beating the Soviet Union after losing to England in the semi-finals.

``I would rather have been playing in the final,'' said Scolari, who in 2002 led his homeland Brazil to their fifth World Cup.

(/snip)

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well, duh, Big Phil ... who wouldn't rather be playing in the final? so far I have watched at least some of every one of the 62 matches of this year's World Cup ... I just don't know if I can bring myself to watch the "third-place" match though ... there's something so sad about it ... here are two teams who fought their way through long qualifying processes to reach the World Cup (ok, Germany didn't because they're the host country, but work with me here), then advanced out of group play, then won a round-of-16 elimination match, then won a quarterfinal to reach the World Cup semifinal, only one match away from achieving the dream of every player in the world -- playing in a World Cup final ... only to have that dream dashed (Germany on a couple late overtime goals in a 2-0 loss to Italy, Portugal in a 1-0 loss to France) ... now instead of getting to go home to their families, their friends, their hot gold-digging girlfriends, whatever, like all the other losing teams get to do, they have to stick around a few extra days (yeah, I know ... Germany's already at home, but still...) to be put on display in one of the most anti-climactic phenomena in sports -- a "third-place" match ... I don't even particularly care for either of these teams, but they get more sympathy from me for this injustice than for anything they'll ever actually accomplish on the pitch ... I don't know, I'm sure I'll watch some of it, but I'm with you, Big Phil -- you'd rather be playing in the final ... I'd rather be watching the final (Sunday at 2pm EDT on ABC, by the way)

Stray Bulls

Boycotted as of July 7, 2006: Stray Bulls




http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=2163474

(snip)

Six people were injured during the bull run itself, including two seriously: New Zealander David MacDowell, 25, was gored in the thigh, and a Pamplona native, Ramon Garayoa, 46, fell and was trampled.

(snip)

Thousands of runners armed with courage and a little too much to drink packed Pamplona's narrow cobblestone streets, most wearing a traditional white shirt and pants, and sporting red handkerchiefs. Even the most experienced among them could only keep in front of the animals for a short distance.

(/snip)

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Hmm. I've had a little too much to drink just as much or more than the next guy, but never has it occurred to me to try to get gored or trampled by a stray bull. Let's say I'm enjoying a sunny afternoon in a reasonably obscure Spanish town, maybe sitting at a sidewalk cafe knocking back sangria like it's ice water in hell. I'm admiring the pretty senoritas walking by, I'm pretending that I'm Hemingway without the whole suicidal thing. Life is good. Suddenly, a pack of rampant bulls turns the corner and starts rushing down the street, looking to gore and trample everything and everyone in its path. OK, I'm pretty drunk from the sangria, but I do understand my options. Do I A) dash inside (pulling a pretty senorita with me, looking to capitalize on the whole damsel in distress thing) and order another round of sangria? or B) dash into the street and try to outrun the bulls, very likely getting gored and trampled in the process? Not a difficult decision, really. And I don't even think I like sangria.

Neolithic Britain

boycotted as of July 6, 2006: Neolithic Britain




http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19025514.900?DCMP=NLC-nletter&nsref=mg19025514.900

(snip)

IF YOU are worried about being attacked or killed by a violent criminal, just be glad you are not living in Neolithic Britain. From 4000 to 3200 BC, Britons had a 1 in 14 chance of being bashed on the head, and a 1 in 50 chance of dying from their injuries.

(snip)

The injuries were mostly caused by blunt objects, although some of the skulls seem to have been hacked by stone axes and there is some evidence that ears were chopped off.

(/snip)

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"a 1 in 14 chance of being bashed on the head"?? eek!! ... "a 1 in 50 chance of dying"?? by contrast, the odds of dying in an automobile accident are 1 in 100 ... though to be fair, I assume the odds of dying in an automobile accident in Neolithic Britain were much closer to zero, seeing as there were very few cars around then and it was probably much more difficult to get a driver's license ... but I am definitely boycotting going back in time to Neolithic Britain, at least without several bodyguards armed with stone axes and a fast car waiting at the ready to rush me out of any tricky situations

Concrete

Boycotted as of July 5, 2006: Concrete




http://msn.foxsports.com/soccer/story/5759838?FSO1&ATT=HMA

(snip)

BERLIN --

Two young men suffered slight foot injuries in recent days after kicking concrete-filled balls chained to lamp posts and trees in the capital.

The words "Can u kick it" were sprayed in pink paint close to each of the balls, at least six of which were left in the streets.

Police said they arrested on Wednesday two men, ages 26 and 29, who apparently had set up a workshop to produce the offending balls.

(/snip)

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I like having injury-free feet. I find it makes it more comfortable and pleasant to walk and run. I also really like soccer, so I don't find it practical or desirable to boycott it. I suppose I could boycott Berlin, but maybe someday I'll want to go to Oktoberfest or write graffiti on that fancy wall. Therefore I see no other option but to boycott concrete. I refuse to kick soccer balls that are made out of concrete. I also refuse to hit, punch, or kick any fake sports equipment made out of concrete. It's a drastic measure, I know, but at least I can walk pain-free and don't have to sit in the waiting room of some podiatrist or orthopedist and read three-month-old magazines beside crying babies and old women who smell like liniment.